Struggling Against Writer's Depression

So I've been bad, very bad. I hadn't written anything in about a week, until just yesterday. Of course, I'm busy with household chores and trying to get ready for the baby, but that was only a small part of the overall picture of why I wasn't writing. The main reason I wasn't writing is depression, of a sort.

I got seven rejections last Monday. And those rejections came at a really bad time, since I was already down and depressed that morning from the lack of having a job and being stuck at home all day, doing chores and feeling like I'm not doing anything worthwhile or getting anywhere with my work situation or writing. I couldn't bear to sit down and write after all of that, so I focused on other stuff that day, and eventually the day turned into a week. I kind of felt like "Well, what's the point in writing? I keep getting rejections. See, it really isn't going anywhere, and those rejections just proved it."

But then I finally woke up and realized that if I'm not writing anything, then I really won't ever get published. So, I sat down and wrote about three hundred and some words on the book I began for NaNoWriMo last November. It wasn't a lot, but it was something.

Today I wrote about 631 words on that weird short story idea I got from my husband's friend. I don't know if I can finish it by the deadline (I checked today, and the deadline is March 1st! That should teach me to waste time not writing!), but if I don't, I'll probably just submit the short story to other places and see what happens. I feel more confident in my story writing ability anyway, and much more comfortable with that kind of writing. So maybe I'll take a short break from poetry for a bit. Stories are more my speed, anyway--even short stories, apparently. Though I may not be great at coming up with workable ideas for short stories, I'm still more at ease writing those, at the moment, than poetry. It's still too soon, the wounds of so many rejections all at once still too raw, to go back to poetry right now.

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Success Comes in Inches of Time

I don't have a whole lot to report for the last few days. While I didn't get much done in volume, I did get some editing and submitting done. I went back over some of my poems and edited some of them. Some of them were rewritten a bit and tweaked, and I think they came out the better for it. Some of these poems were pretty old, dating all the way back to high school. Needless to say, I wasn't happy with the writing quality from most of those old poems, but I found a few gems that I left more or less the same. And some had enough promise that I reworked them.

The up side of seeing how bad some of the poems were is that I've improved in my poetry since high school. So while the poetry I write now is weak in comparison with my other writing, it was encouraging to see that I've already improved my poetry over time, just by the act of writing itself. Now that I'm specifically motivated to improve upon this weaker area of my writing, just think how much more I may be able to improve it and grow as a writer! That's a very happy thought!

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Finding My Writing Groove Again...

Well, I arrived back on Monday. The baby shower was nice, and I got to see my family for a few days. I wrote very little while I was there, however. I had a feeling that that would happen. It was hard to find the time alone to write, and I've never been able to write very well with too many people around. I can't concentrate with a bunch of side conversations going on around me. Plus, my nephew was there, and I spent a lot of my time playing, watching, or reading to him.

The little writing I did do, however, was some more of the book review I'm working on. I'm hoping to re-start my writing habits using that, beginning tomorrow. Today I did research, mostly. I'm looking up various forms of poetry and articles about writing poetry in the hopes that they will offer some advice or insights I can use to improve my poetry. I need to go through some of my poetry soon and see what I think is currently submission-quality, then look up some markets that I think might work for them.

Well, my story was rejected. I found out the night that I came back from my trip, which kind of sucked because I was already tired from driving all day. Maybe that's why I felt only slightly disappointed and almost indifferent. *sigh* It's too bad. I put a lot of work into it, and I thought that it came out rather well. I'll be curious to see what stories did make the cut when that particular publication comes out. I might try submitting my story elsewhere eventually, but for now I think I want to take a break from it for a while and work on something else. Then I can go back to it with fresh eyes and see if I think it has any weaknesses that I didn't catch before.

I'm hoping to begin working on the fairy tale re-tellings just as soon as I can get back into my writing groove. I'm having trouble getting back into my daily habits since the break from it during my trip. I lack the motivation on the one hand, but on the other hand I just forget to sit down and make myself do it. There's so much going on now, and so much I'm trying to accomplish before the baby comes. I simply don't have time for everything, and I'm feeling very anxious and impatient to get the baby's room ready. It should have been done months ago, but like everything else around here, it's been put off for various reasons. And some of the stuff still gets put off, but I'm doing what I can right now and hopefully I can get my husband to help out. But even that's hard because he's working overtime almost all the time now, so the little time he has to be home and help is usually gone, and on the days he doesn't work overtime, he's so tired that he sleeps all morning and I still don't get help. And yet, we need the money at the same time...

I really wish my story had won instead of being rejected. It wouldn't have been much money, but it would have been something. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get published. Or have a normal job again.

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Finished!

This is going to be a really short post, as I'm very tired and need some sleep. I finished my story today. Editing was touch and go, because I was trying to do other stuff around the house as well, so it took me pretty much all day to do. I basically edited sections of it on and off, until I finished at about 11:00pm. Then, I printed out a hard copy and double-checked my work. I caught one or two minor things that I wanted to change, such as a comma where I didn't need one. Other than that, the piece was definitely finished, and as polished as it was going to get.

I'm just very thankful to my friends and my husband, who proofread my story and offered their input. My poor husband read about five or six drafts, I think. He saw it go from very rough and messy to something much more coherent and polished. I don't think it would have turned out half as well as it did, though, if not for my friend, Maria. She suggested some structural changes that I wouldn't have thought of, and my story is much better for those changes.

Anyway, I turned the story in around 11:30pm or slightly later, and then I took the rest of the evening off to knit and watch TV with my husband. Tomorrow I will decide which writing projects to tackle next, besides my fairy tale re-telling. I can start scribbling out some rough drafts of the fairy tales and see which ones I think have the most potential, but I have some time before I need to make a final decision on that. In the meantime, I want to finish the book review and perhaps turn my attention toward my poetry. I have some ideas for new short stories that I've written down, but I'm not sure when I will begin those.

The important thing is, I met my deadline by the date that I wanted to--a day earlier, even. So I'm happy. And my future is filled with many other projects, stories, and poems to keep me busy and help me develop my writing career. It's a good start.

Edited to Add: I'm going to travel down to my hometown for my baby shower this weekend, but I'm leaving a little early to avoid bad weather, so it may be almost a week before I'm able to update this blog.

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A Change of Pace

I'm not sure of my exact word count today. I kept track for about the first 140 words, and then I just never tallied them all up for the day. I began a new poem today, and that's where I wrote 140 words. It isn't finished yet, though. I'm hoping to write a few more stanzas to wrap up the action of the poem and finish. I just hope I can write a decent climax to it.

The other writing I did today was a book review. I haven't finished that, either. I only wrote about a page and a half (wide ruled paper...all I could find at the time). So either I came close to my word count or I actually made it. I'm not sure which, and I'm too tired to go back and count now.

Anyway, I started writing a summary of the book I chose to review, drawing from some notes that I took while reading it. I know of a publication that takes book review submissions from writers from time to time, and I figured I would give it a try. It's a non-paying publication, but the experience and everything would be good, if they like my review. We'll see how it goes.

Today was a nice break from editing. I think it was good for me. And it certainly gave my poor mind a little bit of rest (as bad as that sounds!). It was a decent writing day.

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To Write, or Not to Write? There is No Question!

I am really tired today. I don't know why. I got plenty of sleep. Maybe it's because I've been working so hard on my editing the last couple of days (no, I haven't deprived myself of sleep. That would just be stupid. I can't imagine trying to edit anything, much less well or even coherently, without plenty of sleep) and that's taken a toll on me. Or maybe it's just the pregnancy hormones doing a number on me today. Whatever it is, I feel mentally sluggish and physically exhausted. I just want to go back to sleep, and I know that would be very, very bad for me. Even if I told myself it would be a short nap, it wouldn't. I know myself, and it never is. I don't desire to waste a couple hours of my day that could be spent more profitably, so to speak.

So, here I am, blinking at my computer screen as if I've never seen it before in my life--even as I type this. I don't think I'm going to edit today. Not unless I wake up, anyway. But I think maybe I should take a break from it for a day, maybe two. I need to finish the story and turn it in on the 29th, however. I go out of town at the end of the month for my baby shower, and since the deadline is the 31st, I need to make sure my story is edited and polished and turned in before I leave town.

Maybe I'll try to write some poetry today. I'm not sure whether it will be any good or not, but then, I never am. At least I would be writing something and not feeling like I'm wasting the whole day away, writing-wise. The most productive I've been today is research. If you can call it that. I'm reading some articles on how to better promote yourself as a writer, and things of that nature. I'm learning some useful stuff.

Ever since I took some of the Writer's Digest Writing Workshops (www.writersonlineworkshops.com), I've been getting offers in the mail for subscriptions to writing magazines and publications--at a professional writer's discount. The only one I've signed up for is Writer's Digest, and that was early on when we weren't so short on money yet. However, I've recently received another offer that looks interesting. And while it's cheap, I'm not sure I can bring myself to do it right now. Maybe I'll treat myself to something like that after I get something published at a paying publication or in writing contest. Although, who knows when that will be. I'm hoping it's soon, but who knows. If there's anything a writer has to learn to deal with, it's waiting and rejections. And I've had experience doing both for some time now. It's nothing new.

Still, at least I feel like I'm moving forward a bit in my writing career. The writing goals help. It keeps me on track, and I feel like I'm accomplishing a lot more than I used to, in some ways. This blog also helps. Accountability to someone or some thing (both, if you can get it!) helps.

I'm off to write now. I feel a bit more alert after typing this.

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Feeling Like A Winner!

I. Kicked. Butt. Today. I did a ton of great work today in my editing, I think! After struggling most of the day with the rough draft, trying to add more description to various parts of the story, my creativity finally kicked in this evening as my perseverance paid off! I'll have to type up the changes tomorrow, but I'm really pleased with my work. I think it has promise as it is, and once I polish it, I think it could definitely win the contest. I don't know if it will, of course, but I'm hoping it will!

Yesterday was some of the same. I spent it editing. Mostly, I fixed grammatical mistakes or misspellings. I even went through and changed some words that I had been overusing. I added a little bit of new writing to it, but not a whole lot. In addition to the editing on the story, I began two new poems. One of them...I really don't know exactly where it was going. It sort of turned into a ranty piece about how I feel, being stuck at home without a job. But aside from one or two salvageable lines, it really sucks so far. I can't seem to capture the things I want to say with just the right words. I have a feeling it'll go through a major rewrite. The other poem I started is about writing. It kind of rambled along until it developed the theme of writers block and trying to meet deadlines. I dunno that it's all that great, but it sure pleased me a heck of a lot more than the other poem.

In the meantime, I'm enjoying my new book when I get a chance. I've been pretty good about not letting it interfere with or distract me from my writing so far. It's kind of like when I was in college, or grad. school: I sneak a little of my pleasure reading in during lunch time, or right before bed, to help myself relax. That way, I can read something that I really want to, but not at the expense of my work.

Now if only the book weren't so hard to put down at the end of lunch, or my bedtime...

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A Feeling of Accomplishment

Aaaah, I'm done! I started a rough draft rewrite of that autobiographical piece that I wanted to fictionalize and turn into a short story today, and I actually finished it today. Of course, I have a lot of editing and rewrites to do, but the point is, I managed to get the whole rough draft done in one day. This makes me very happy. I feel like I accomplished something big today, even if some of the material was only somewhat rewritten and inserted alongside the totally new material I wrote for it.

Better still, I think I managed to capture the essence of the autobiographical piece without losing any of its power in the fictionalized setting and story. I was afraid the ending and emotions wouldn't be as powerful, but as I wrote the ending to the story just a few moments ago, I found myself smiling. Actually smiling. I'm pleased with it in terms of its conclusion, I think. And when I go back to edit and tweak, I think this could really turn out to be an excellent piece. I just hope it wins the contest. Besides kind of wanting the money I'd get for winning (it wouldn't be much), I just want to start getting somewhere with my writing.

And perhaps it's the adrenaline rush from producing something with a lot of great potential, but I feel excited about my writing for the first time in a long time. Don't get me wrong, I love writing. I always have. But for a long time now, even back before NaNoWriMo, I've been in a writing rut. Besides having trouble writing at all, or totally not liking anything that I did write, I just felt very blah, uncreative, and unenthusiastic. I'm not sure what it was, but it seems like (I hope!) I'm getting a reprieve from it now, at least for a little while.

I think I'm going to go write some poetry now. I've been producing more of that lately, although slowly, in bits and pieces. But the only way to improve any kind of writing is to write.

Today was a good day. Produced a lot. Way more than 500 words. I'm tired, excited, and happy. It gives me hope for the future, and that's something I need very much right now.

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Busy, Busy Day

In stark contrast to yesterday, I accomplished a lot today. True, I spent most of the day cleaning, but I did manage to do some writing and writing related stuff today. First, I researched some writing markets and publications a bit and found a contest with a theme called "Goodbye to All That," which I think I'm going to enter. The deadline in January 31st, however, so I need to get to work on it soon. I think I can do it, though. I'm going to rewrite an old piece of mine for the contest, and I already started some notes on the different changes, deletions, and edits I'm going to do to it. Plus, I'm going to completely change the scenery, and change the ending a bit, plus add a whole new beginning. Sounds like a lot of work, and it is, but I'm going to keep the essence of the original piece while making the necessary changes to the piece to make it a short story and fit the guidelines of the theme for the contest.

I'm hoping to begin work on it tomorrow.

While I was going through my writing files looking for the aforementioned piece, I came across one of my old sheafs of poetry. Long story short, I found a few good or relatively decent poems among them that I might try to submit for publication. And since looking at the poetry put me in the right frame of mind, I finished up a poem tonight that I had started a week or so ago.

I also did some reading today on those fairy tales, and I'm starting to narrow the list down a bit. Some of them simply aren't suitable for a humorous re-telling (or at least I can't think of any way to make them so, given the subject matter inherent to the stories. I mean, how do you make something like the story of the Ugly Duckling funny? Not in any good way that I can think of). So, I'm crossing some off of the list here and there. Besides the Ugly Duckling, I'll probably eliminate Little Red Cap, simply because the story of Little Red Riding Hood might be a popular one to submit. But, I'll reread it when I get to that place on my list, and give it a thorough consideration anyway. Rumplestiltskin, which I thought might be a good candidate for a humorous retelling, was crossed off my list today. I'd forgotten how creepy the end of that story was, somehow. But I do recall vague memories of that ending as a child, so they must have read the original version to me from that old book of fairy tales we had when I was a kid. But, I digress.

The story of the Frog King, or Iron Heinrich, has possibilities. I don't have any specific ideas in mind on how to implement the humor, but I think, given the structure, and stuff, it COULD be done. I might have to just mess with it and see. I have a feeling that when I get my list narrowed down to the last candidates, I'll just have to try writing them to see what happens and if they work out or not. Good thing I have until the end of March for this deadline. I'm going to need all that time!

Finally, I wrote a bit more on my NaNoWriMo novel (yes, it's not November, and all of that is over by now, but since the story still lacks a title, that's how I'm going to refer to it until then). I've been doing most of my writing to meet my daily word count on this novel. Tonight, I only wrote a little bit on the novel, but I did meet my word count, because my word count was split today between the preparatory notes for the short story I'm going to rework/write, the poem I finished, and the NaNoWriMo novel.

All totaled, I reached 551 words today.

And now, I'm going to sleep because I'm tired and I have an appointment tomorrow.

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2008: The Year I Will Be Published, Or At Least Accomplish Something Worthwhile!

2007 was a hard year for me in many ways, so I wasn't altogether sad to see the back of it. Of course, the new year has thus far been off to a less than steller start for me, so I'm desperately hoping and trying to hold it together and try for a better year. To this end, I have made some resolutions, or goals. I will begin my blog by posting these goals in hopes that they will serve as not only a reminder to myself of what I want to accomplish for the year, but also give myself something to look forward to in my current dreary life and motivate me to keep trudging toward a better future.

I have further subdivided my goals for the year into two groups: small goals and large goals. My reason for doing this is because it's easy to get discouraged when you don't seem to be reaching those highly coveted big goals and you often begin to wonder if you're getting anywhere at all. That's where my small goals come in handy. They are designed to instill confidence in me and give me a sense of accomplishment. The small goals are something I can point to and be proud of, saying to myself, "There! See, I am getting somewhere, and I am accomplishing something, even if things aren't moving as fast as I want them to!" The small goals keep me sane, and they help stiffen my resolve that I will reach my large goals eventually, even if it isn't this year. The small goals help me to know that I can do it; they keep me chugging along, putting my nose to the grindstone.

So, my small goals include:
-Writing at least 500 words a day, whether it be on just one writing project or spread out amongst several. The point is, I should be able to easily reach 500 words a day, considering I pushed myself to do much more every day during NaNoWriMo this past November.
-Learn how to write decent short stories, as I've never been good at them, since my ideas always seem to work better as novels.
-Explore some new genres or areas of writing that I've never tried before, like Horror or Mystery, or something else that catches my fancy. Perhaps it will shake my creativity into gear, if nothing else!
-Write more poetry. Although I consider myself a novel writer, since I tell stories much better than anything else, I dabble in poetry, and I'm hoping to improve what is, admittedly, a weak area of my own writing.
-Submit said short stories and poems and other items of writing for publication as I improve my abilities.

Large goals:
-To finish the book I began for NaNoWriMo. I reached 50,000 words during this first year that I chose to enter the November writing marathon, and after a decent break from it, I'm ready to work toward completion of the novel, though I know from my outline and the current state of my story that I have a long way to go. This is shaping up to be a long book.
-To get a book published.
-Keep up with this blog! Part of the reason I'm starting this blog in the first place is to help keep myself accountable. Yet, it's very easy for me to forget to post and not keep up with it, so, I'm hoping that over time it will become habit as much as some of my writing goals for the year. If not, perhaps at least some of my readers will poke me every now and then to remind me that this blog does indeed still exist and needs to be updated as soon as possible.
-To get a regular job again! Though it does not pertain directly to my writing, I do need to pay bills, and money is tight with only one income. Worrying about money, I've noticed, often distracts me from my writing and hinders my creative process somewhat. So, the sooner I'm employed again, the better. Though I doubt it will be before the baby comes, in April. *sigh* Still, here's to hoping and working toward that goal in the meantime, just the same!

There! That wasn't nearly so awkward as the usual introductory post of "Hi, my name is ____," and "I like ____," etc. This was a lot easier for me to type up. There is much to be said for just diving in to something, sometimes. After all, it's a question of beginning at all, no matter how tough or awkward it might be, versus never beginning and thus never getting anywhere you want to.

I need to make that my writing mantra. Only more wise-sounding, I think.

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